am i winning?
out of all the employees that fled buzzfeed in the mass exodus of the mid-2010s, only a few stuck around and became part of my regular youtube diet.
just between us was founded by comedy duo allison raskin and gabe dunn in april 2014, shortly after they left buzzfeed due to differences in creative direction & disputes over content ownership. their channel primarily produced scripted comedy sketches, in addition to a weekly sit-down couch show where they provided viewers with cheeky yet heartfelt advice on topics ranging from "when should you file your taxes?" to "how do you flirt as a couple?" (other fun titles include "is allison naked too often?" and "how do i give off a lesbian vibe?")
their entertainment industry escapades and myriad of romantic relationship issues were deeply unrelatable to 14 y/o me, but their willingness to be vulnerable about their struggles with mental illness + highly-specific neuroses was exactly the flavor of irreverent emotional transparency i craved at the time. that was nearly a decade ago, though, and as my viewing preferences evolved, i gradually watched less and less of their content until i eventually forgot about them altogether. that was nearly 6 years ago.
recently, their video "how we stopped being nightmares to date" popped up in my youtube recommendations, and i clicked it on a whim. the discussion centered on ways in which they've tangibly noticed themselves becoming better romantic partners, including (but not limited to):
- being okay with sitting in discomfort
- proactively communicating needs (vs. wanting to maintain a veneer of untouchable-ness)
- overcoming a false sense of urgency re: info about partner
- willingness to be Witnessed, despite deep embarrassment (aka all the age-old tumblrisms about submitting to the mortifying ordeal of being known)
all sound advice mostly concerned with mutual trust, but at the 03:35 mark, gabe said something that really had me riding the repressed-exhale-through-the-nose laugh > rewinding > sitting in silence contemplating my own personal shortcomings merry-go-round:
"i'm constantly like, am i winning? you can't be winning a relationship. but you could win. should i win? i wanna win! no, you can't. by trying to win, you lose."
(i'm in this photo and i don't like it.)
it sounds stupid saying this now, but i feel like i've always been competitive with the wrong things. i was never particularly ambitious when it came to academics or extracurriculars, and success often felt like something i serendipitously stumbled into, for better or worse. in school, i never set out to fail, but i always tried to keep my expectations low and avoid overexertion, perhaps at the detriment of never fully "applying" myself to whatever subject i was meant to be learning (literature being the sole exception). even if i was too ashamed to admit it to myself, my mindset back then basically boiled down to you can't lose if you don't play, and i preemptively took myself out of the running by simply not trying very hard. it was an ego-soothing measure to shield myself from the disappointment of falling short, especially if i'd shown a herculean effort and pulled out all the stops—somehow, failing in public was worse than never attempting the difficult thing in the first place. just another facet of the tiring former-gifted-kid discourse that seems to plague every major social media platform, i guess.
anyways! point being, i would purposely not try very hard when it came to things that materially "counted" (grades, competitions, officer elections), but i would be weirdly competitive about things that weren't as measurable, like folding the neatest paper crane or being the most blandly nice coworker while making the obligatory small talk rounds every monday. even with my close friends (and especially with my immediate family), i can't seem to stop myself from keeping a running tally of one-sided immaterial owing that i refuse to let dip into the negatives, whatever that may look like in my sick and twisted mind (lol). if i receive a earnestly-written letter or a ride to a social event, it becomes a much larger thing in my mind & i won't let myself rest until my "debt" is paid, despite never holding others to the same impossible standard or expecting them to engage in my extremely effortful yet pointless friendship calculus. i know i'm only making myself more miserable by continuing to do it, but i also can't seem to stop. i'm banging on the doors to the ride but the roller coaster is just my own mind (':
i didn't have the foresight to think of a clever way to wrap this all up, but i think even trying to come up with one would be a bit disingenuous, as this is clearly something i'm still trying to work through. i can't guarantee i wouldn't be a nightmare to date, but in the meantime, i'll try to be a better, more present friend (+ colleague, daughter, sister, mentor, etc.) and just gladly accept acts of kindness for what they are, without counting out the exact level of reciprocation required.
stay striving,
t